Clutter

So yesterday I had a bit of meltdown. You know, for me this is one of those moments when I fail at something and then I just get really dejected and beating myself up. Part of it was that we interviewed a housekeeper, and although I laughed, it really sucked to have her tell me what I already know - our house is filled with clutter.

So after the meltdown moment and pity party - I realized that even though I have NOT been keeping our house as clutter-free, clean (it's not too bad, the cleaning lady said so herself), or getting there in terms of projects (our house still pretty much looks like we just moved in) as I would like, I have in fact decided not to do those things for a reason. I had opportunities to clean, organize, de-clutter and I did not take them because of some of the decisions I made about how I wanted to be as a parent. So here is it, my parenting/lifestyle values:
* People come first. Visiting family, hanging out with friends (including those who we hung out with BEFORE we had kids), keeping up with folks with even just a short email....yes, I'm not perfect at this either, but I have made an effort at this.
* Max's awake time & him feeling loved by us is more important than "getting things done" - so while I might be tempted to throw him in a bouncer to get stuff done, this is kept at a minimum for the ~3 hrs a day we actually get to spend with him on a weekday.
* Nursing Max means I might need to sleep & eat (yay) more than I'd like or am used to. I missed out on many fantasy football filled lunches (oh darn = sarcasm) and soda breaks that I used to take, but this has been a big part of how I have felt I have provided for Max even though he is at day care. I have been very happy that despite the constant runny nose, he has not had any serious illnesses (no infections, fevers, etc.) or worried calls to our pediatrician. I realized that all that hard work has paid off in that my supply has been great for weeks & I didn't even notice - I no longer struggle or worry about this. I'm proud to say we've used 1 small can of powdered formula & a lot of that has gone to building up a freezer supply that can hopefully mean I can work toward stopping pumping at work one of these days. I could have chosen cleaning or projects at night after Max goes to bed (well, blogging & surfing the web don't count much) but then I'd be super cranky & my supply would be struggling again...

I need to just let go of the fact that I have a ton of things that I would like to see done around my house or that I feel like I should be able to do all the things I used to do, because I have in fact decided not to do those things. The housekeeper is coming next week and we will make an effort to de-clutter some, but I know it will be an on-going process and I will not get much of it done before she comes for the 1st time, but I won't because it will cost me too much and make me compromise the things that I choose to do with my time. Ok, thanks for listening.