Clutter

So yesterday I had a bit of meltdown. You know, for me this is one of those moments when I fail at something and then I just get really dejected and beating myself up. Part of it was that we interviewed a housekeeper, and although I laughed, it really sucked to have her tell me what I already know - our house is filled with clutter.

So after the meltdown moment and pity party - I realized that even though I have NOT been keeping our house as clutter-free, clean (it's not too bad, the cleaning lady said so herself), or getting there in terms of projects (our house still pretty much looks like we just moved in) as I would like, I have in fact decided not to do those things for a reason. I had opportunities to clean, organize, de-clutter and I did not take them because of some of the decisions I made about how I wanted to be as a parent. So here is it, my parenting/lifestyle values:
* People come first. Visiting family, hanging out with friends (including those who we hung out with BEFORE we had kids), keeping up with folks with even just a short email....yes, I'm not perfect at this either, but I have made an effort at this.
* Max's awake time & him feeling loved by us is more important than "getting things done" - so while I might be tempted to throw him in a bouncer to get stuff done, this is kept at a minimum for the ~3 hrs a day we actually get to spend with him on a weekday.
* Nursing Max means I might need to sleep & eat (yay) more than I'd like or am used to. I missed out on many fantasy football filled lunches (oh darn = sarcasm) and soda breaks that I used to take, but this has been a big part of how I have felt I have provided for Max even though he is at day care. I have been very happy that despite the constant runny nose, he has not had any serious illnesses (no infections, fevers, etc.) or worried calls to our pediatrician. I realized that all that hard work has paid off in that my supply has been great for weeks & I didn't even notice - I no longer struggle or worry about this. I'm proud to say we've used 1 small can of powdered formula & a lot of that has gone to building up a freezer supply that can hopefully mean I can work toward stopping pumping at work one of these days. I could have chosen cleaning or projects at night after Max goes to bed (well, blogging & surfing the web don't count much) but then I'd be super cranky & my supply would be struggling again...

I need to just let go of the fact that I have a ton of things that I would like to see done around my house or that I feel like I should be able to do all the things I used to do, because I have in fact decided not to do those things. The housekeeper is coming next week and we will make an effort to de-clutter some, but I know it will be an on-going process and I will not get much of it done before she comes for the 1st time, but I won't because it will cost me too much and make me compromise the things that I choose to do with my time. Ok, thanks for listening.

So Tired

I put Max in his little jumper thing today while I went to clean up the kitchen a little. He was playing and having a good ole time as usual. Then, he kinda went silent. I looked over and this is what I saw:

Never seen him fall asleep in that thing before. He would usually get sleepy and start whining. I guess he was having too much fun and didn't want to get up.

Best and Worse Parts about being a new mom

Worst
1. When you are so tired you are afraid you will fall asleep standing up or sitting somewhere while holding him and you're afraid you'll drop him, but you are just so tired.
2. Big poopy diapers. 'nuf said.
3. When Max is crying and you have no idea why and nothing seems to work.

Best
1. Smelling Max right after his bath when he's all fresh and clean.
2. He smiles now. He doesn't necessarily recognize people now from what I can tell, but he finds joy in little things. He loves his mobile (winds up & moves while playing music) and his play mat. We can also make him smile when he's in a good mood just by talking to him and playing with him.
3. When I burp Max he puts his arm around mine and it's like getting a little hug. You can put your finger in his hand and he'll grab on and just hang on forever. :-)